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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Film Review - Fred: The Movie

So far on this blog, I’ve reviewed some of the worst films ever made. For this blog I’ve sat through the Fat Spy, the Ugly Truth, the Bounty Hunter, Birdemic and more recently the Room. I survived those movies. I even LIKED two of them (in a sort of masochistic way). So believe me when I say, Fred: The Movie is worse than all of them. ALL OF THEM! It’s worse than the Room people!!!

While bad movies that are trying to be serious usually draw unintentional laughs, bad comedies, which are by their very nature trying to be funny, are more often than not painful experiences. Think back to the worst comedies of recent years. Look back at the Master of Disguise, Son of the Mask, Freddy Got Fingered, Home Alone 3 and the Hot Chick. Consider how bad all of those movies are. These films represent the bottom of the comedy barrel. Now take a drill, drill a hole through the bottom of that proverbial barrel and into the ground below, stick your finger through the new hole into the dirt and whatever sticks to your finger when you pull it out, that is Fred: the Movie.

Fred is an exceptionally unfunny, annoying and I’d even say evil helium addict who is the brainchild of Lucas Cruikshank, a You Tube “celebrity” that got enough hits to justify a TV series and now a full-length feature. Fred is one of the worst characters I can remember in recent years. In anything. He makes Jar Jar Binks look like Rhett Butler and he is one of those inexplicably famous people (kind of like anyone with the surname “Kardashian”) that drew the attentions of preteens long enough to keep him famous for about three years longer than he deserves.

Okay, I’ll try to review this thing. The plot (?) follows Fred who pines for Judy, the girl next door who is currently dating Kevin, a douche bag who lives across the cul-de-sac and constantly terrorizes Fred (I was rooting for Kevin most of this film). Fred attempts one stunt after another to get to Judy and avoid Kevin in the process. After Judy moves away, he makes an unfunny racist joke about the new residents and then embarks on a journey across the city to find her and… sing… with her..?

However, Fred is an idiot. So he can’t just go over there. No! We get a freaking adventure!!! A stupid, unentertaining, joyless, loud, obnoxious, retarded, mind-numbing, suicide-inducing adventure. Along the way he confuses a toy dog with a squirrel, has a duet with a deer, gets buried in sand and meets a handful of throwaway C and D-list celebrities like John Cena and Oscar Nuñez. They don’t matter, just like everything else in this film. This was meant to make some older viewers go “Ah!”… I guess.

I don’t care. Look. If you like this film, there’s something wrong with you. If you think Fred is funny, there’s something wrong with you. The fact that this movie exists is a scathing example of everything that is wrong with popular culture today. This movie has no redeemable qualities. I didn’t really get into the other characters, or the stupid climax involving a fake party or Fred’s idiotic mother or any of the other things I hated, which is more or less everything. I hated everything about this movie. Everything and everyone in it. It’s a worthless pile of shit, and I hope to never see Fred or hear his screeching, stupid voice or see his retarded, contorted face again. EVER!!!!!

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