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Monday, November 29, 2010

15 Absolutely Terrible Novelty Songs

15. Baz Lurhman - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)
A so-called fake graduation speech set to music doesn't sound like a great idea for a song.  Well, it wasn't.  Despite this song being exceptionally annoying and even a little pretentious, it was a pretty big hit.  We have to give special kudos to Chris Rock for making a funny spoof of this boring song with "No Sex In the Champagne Room".

14. 69 Boyz - Tootsie Roll
This was a mega-popular dance hit that seems to have been long since forgotten.  It is an annoying array of "whoops!" and "yeahs!" with a series of bass-heavy cut and paste riffs.  69 Boyz is one of those sad one-hit wonders that tries to hold onto fame by continuing to occasionally release an album.  Their 1998 album was hilariously titled "The Wait is Over", I wonder if anyone actually had the heart to tell these assholes that nobody was actually waiting for their comeback.

13. Vanilla Ice - Ninja Rap
In the 1990's, songs (mostly rap songs) where often themed off of characters or events surrounding the movie on which soundtrack they appear.  Ninja Rap, from the first Ninja Turtles sequel, has everyone's favorite "very" white guy dancing to the groove, pompadour bouncing around to the beat.  This song is made annoying simply by the shear shameless promotion of the film.  Hey!  I have an idea, let's pay popular musical artists to write three minute commercials for our films!  Speaking of which...

12. M.C. Hammer - Addams Groove
Like Ninja Rap, Addams Groove is a painfully uninspired, utterly silly rap song by the Hammer about the titular creepy family.  The video is actually worse than the song as it is a chaotic series of cuts from the film mixed with M.C. Hammer reacting to them, even though most of the scenes weren’t even filmed with him in mind, and anyone who's seen the movie would know that.  There are moments where the stars of the film actually appear in material filmed for the video, but it's another terrible example using the pop charts to promote a mediocre movie.  Good job Hammer!  You freaking sellout!

11. Rodney Dangerfield - Rappin' Rodney
Rodney Dangerfield is one of those stars that continued to show up in things well after his prime. Rappin' Rodney was his foray into the music world.  Back up singers refrain "No Respect, no respect" as he rambles self-deprecating punchlines that aren't funny and were definitely not written for the song, as Dangerfield doesn't even attempt to say them to the beat.

10. Falco - Rock Me Amadeus
Austria gave us Hitler.  They also gave us Falco.  Can we bomb Austria?  This amazingly pretentious artist raps his way through this new wave era puddle of vomit.  Falco sounds like he's hiccuping his lyrics as his voice bounces as though he's riding along a gravel road in a shopping cart.  The video is pretty heinous too. the opening of which has Falco traversing a ballroom floor is bad enough but when we cut to him dressed like Mozart, belting the chorus as though he's teaching us a lesson...  too much.

09. Taco - Puttin' On the Ritz
The song is bad enough.  It is a very wordy song attempting to sound like a cross between classic big-band and new wave pop and is completely abhorrent.  The video doesn't help much either.  Taco struts around a back alley, surrounded by hobos.  The singer’s makeup is so thick he looks like a mime.  Add a couple of backup singers in top hats and blackface and you have an utterly offensive disaster on multiple levels.

08. Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out??
Most people have heard at least the chorus of this song.  If you where unfortunate enough to go to any school where some version of canis lupus familiaris was the mascot, you probably heard its chorus at every game and rally (But only the chorus).  The song was featured on numerous commercials as well (only the chorus).  It is one of the most overexposed disasters in music history.  Those fortunate enough NOT to hear the songs reggae verses that do not seem to go with the chorus at all should not seek to hear the full version, it will haunt your dreams... I mean nightmares.  Then again, has anybody actually heard the full song?  Or has the copyright owner just parsed it all the way to “chorus-only” at this point?

07. Aqua - Barbie Girl
The 90s was the era of bad club hits, Barbie Girl is one of the more egregious examples.  Aqua's Lene Nystrom sings in squeaky detail about her life as a plastic doll while the vocal duo's more annoying half, male singer Rene Dif, grunts his way through his lines as Ken.  This is one of the worst bubblegum hits of all time, an unbearable audio kick in the ass.

06. Rick Dees - Disco Duck
I dare you to try to sit through this PoS from the first chord until the end.  You probably can't.  You have a song about a guy that turns into a duck on the dance floor.  Neat!  At its worst, the song has moments where we are treated to an unintelligible Donald Duck impression.  This song is pure torture.

05. Bobby Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers - Monster Mash
The 50's were littered with strange songs where singers would either:
a) sing in strange voices or really annoying falsetto on their songs, or
b) would name the band with a theme and stick to that theme with all of their songs.  
Bobby Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers fill both of these categories with this utterly painful classic.  This song is a favorite of either sad middle-aged people who think it's a "cute" song for a Halloween Party, or annoying friends who like to play songs to piss everyone else off.

04. Buckner & Garcia - Pac-Man Fever
Buckner & Garcia where a novelty band that appeared in the early 80s with a record comprised entirely of songs themed off of popular video games.  "Froggy's Lament" and "Do the Donkey Kong" did not chart, "Pac-Man Fever" did.  This is probably the most uninspired of any of the other songs on this list and follows a very generic sound, you know exactly where this song is going to go.  It's unbearable.

03. Sheb Wooley - Purple People-Eater
Another 1950's crap fest about a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people-eater.  The rockabilly sound is bad enough, but the strange sound effects in the song add its insidiousness.  If I could have my pick of one song that I could kill forever, so that it would never be heard again, this one would be given very careful consideration.

02. CW McCall - Convoy
Rednecks like big trucks.  That is the theme of this song about “truck drivin'” from 1975.  The song has the auditory appeal of Rosie O'Donnel in labor, sounding like an even worse version of all of the other country crap from the same time.  I hate this song, but it gets worse.  The song was so popular that in 1978 we where treated to a movie that was even worse than the song!  That only makes me hate Convoy that much more.

01. Leonard Nimoy - The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins
Arguably one of the worst songs ever, in any category, the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins is a bizarre display by Star Trek star Leonard Nimoy.  You are treated to a summarized story Tolkien's character's journey through Middle Earth, except, as soon as Spock starts singing, you will find yourself on suicide watch for one week. That's a promise.

1 comment:

  1. lol, I'd managed to forget Ninja Rap, thanks. And wow, Nimoy. I'd forgotten that too.